Things You Only Hear on a Cruise - Part 2

A little over a year ago, I compiled a list of some of the unique things you only hear on a cruise. They ranged from humorous, to puzzling, to mind-numbingly stupid, but apparently they were also highly relatable because it turned into one of the most read posts in the history of this little website. So what does one do when they've got a hit? Why, a sequel, of course...

Here's a few more things you only hear on a cruise, courtesy of two sailings this year aboard the Oasis of the Seas.

"Is the patio air-conditioned?"

Yes....the cruise line is so concerned with your comfort, they've found a way to air-condition an outdoor patio at one of their restaurants. How did they manage this feat? By using some strange phenomenon called a "breeze."

The air-conditioned patio at Chops Grille

"I brought SPF 15 this time. I used SPF 8 in Cancun and got burned real bad. Although, I guess that's closer to the equator."

There were so many things wrong with this statement, I got off the elevator I was riding two decks early just to get away from this fellow passenger. It's no wonder skin cancer is such a growing problem. Apparently, people are choosing sunscreen based on their degree of latitude.

"I don't know where my kids are and I don't know if I care..."

After hearing this from the middle aged woman sucking down what might have been her 7th "Drink of the Day" one might get the impression she's a lousy parent. Not on a cruise. The programs for kids and teens are so extensive, it's possible for a family to wave goodbye in port and not see each other again until returning to Florida. But parents...don't feel bad about ditching your kid. They don't want to spend vacation with you any more than you do with them, as evidenced by the next quote courtesy of a 4 year old kid...

"I want to go to the school!"

See what I mean? When was the last time you heard that one?

Can't find your kids? Did you try the flashmob?

"I can't believe I'm not getting any service here."

Alas, one of the last bastions in the fight against public cell phone use is beginning to fall. There was a time in the not so distant past that cell phone use on a cruise ship was unheard of. Not anymore. Now, just about everywhere you turn someone is jabbering on their phone, while simultaneously killing your buzz and ruining the incredible view that's passing by. Trust me, as a guy who relies on being connected for a living, I know it's hard to put the phone down. But give a try - the cruise will seem to last a whole lot longer.

Do I look worried about cell phone service?

"I ate some bran but I still have so much pressure down there."

OK, people. Please pay close attention to this one. You see that little partition separating your balcony from mine? Yes, the one that is similar to a bathroom stall in terms of privacy. Well, it's not a bathroom stall. Please refrain from bodily function talk, or just about anything else unless it is related to the cruise. I don't care about Aunt Edna's hip surgery, nor do I want to hear about Uncle Leo's new gold digger girlfriend. Take it inside. Oh, and if I happen to stand up and lean against the rail, that's not an invitation for chit chat. Ever.

Talk about bowel movements, MJ's gonna get mad.

"Not so much bad weather. Just...bigger waves."

This was when I knew we were in trouble. When the crew starts scurrying around, tying up anything that can conceivably fly off the ship, it's probably best to take a dose of Dramamine. 48 hours later, I was finally able to walk without clanging into the walls. Although, now that I think about it, that's not so much different than real life.

Seriously..never a good sign.

"I'm putting that on the comment card."

Ah yes, the passive aggressive comment card threatener. Next to bowel movement talk and one floor elevator riders (take the stairs people), they're my least favorite passengers on the ship. Seriously, look out the window. Do you see where you are? I'm thinking there are bigger things to be upset about than finding out this ice skating session is full, especially since you're second to last in line. The crew relies on these comment cards for good standing, and trust me, it means a whole lot more to them in the long run than the slight which you'll forget about in a hour. So unless you have something nice to say, or your cabin floods with human waste, forget about the comment card and enjoy your cruise.

No doubt about it, cruise ships are wacky places. But in the end, it's not the ships or the environment that brings it out of people - it's simply human nature on display in all its glory. And that, my friends, is perhaps the scariest statement of all.

Enjoy Your Stay