Over the years of running this little website, I've done a great deal of pontificating on great hotels. While most people create a bucket list of places they want to see before they, well, kick it, my bucket list is mostly filled with the names of famous hotels and resorts. Thankfully, MJ doesn't have such a list, because most of the hotels my wife would love scare me in one form or another. For example...
O Hotel - Downtown Los Angeles
Chic. Modern. Hot Spot. The O Hotel in Downtown Los Angeles is everything I typically love about great hotels. My taste has rubbed off on MJ over the years, but I'm confident my wife would love this hotel for a very different reason. This...
|$80 evaporated from my wallet just looking at the picture.|
You see, the O Los Angeles is located in L.A.'s fashion district, where it just so happens the headquarters for Guess is found. My wife has never met a Guess purse she didn't like, and being in such close proximity to their homeland could cause both my credit card and her to hyperventilate.
Kempinski Mall of the Emirates - Dubai
Dubai has been high on my list for many years, thanks in part to the abundance of amazing luxury hotels in the city. One of which is the Kempsinski Mall of the Emirates Dubai, where the city's five-star luxury is on display in all its glory. Of all the hotels my wife would love, this is the one that I fear the most.
|Is everything gold in Dubai?|
Try and wrap your head around this one: the Mall of the Emirates is officially dubbed a "shopping mall resort." Let that sink in for a moment. Can you imagine the monetary damage MJ could do in a "shopping resort?" I can barely keep her out of the gift shop on a cruise ship; an entire resort dedicated to shopping would surely lead to financial ruin. Then again, I would be partially at fault for the damage. I'd be too distracted by Ski Dubai to notice the growing number of shopping bags.
Doubletree Club - Dorchester
Normally, I have nothing but positive things to say about the Doubletree brand. Affordable, usually decent quality hotels, that hand out chocolate chip cookies at check-in and were part of a Mitch Hedberg joke - what's not to like? My fear of the Doubletree Club in Dorchester, Massachusetts comes down to location, location, location. Specifically, the city itself, which was the hometown of four members of MJ's ultimate crush: New Kids on the Block.
|Taken at one of her annual NKOTB concerts. Yeah...I don't see it.|
I can see it now: 5 minutes after arriving in Dorchester, Mass, I'm part of some pathetic NKOTB fan tour. Meanwhile, I'm wishing that another famous Dorchester resident - Whitey Bulger - would put me out of my misery. Sorry Doubletree Club; no way am I hangin' tough with you.
Miramare Sea Resort & Spa - Italy
The question here isn't why would my wife love this hotel, but rather why wouldn't she love it. The Miramare is one of Italy's premier spa resorts. Found on the cliffs of Sardinia, the Miramare features everything there is to love about classic Italian luxury. And that's exactly what scares me...
Chances are, this is the guy that's showing up to my wife's massage appointment. If you can tell me how a pale, balding, nonathletic guy that walks like a duck is supposed to compete with this, well then maybe I'll put the Miramare back on my good list.
|If you picked up that he's Portuguese, you and I can be friends.|
From being subjected to boy band fan tours to potentially irreversible financial damage, the hotels my wife would love present a clear and present danger to my well-being. It's a shame really; I have no doubt that I would love Ski Dubai. Of course, there the bigger threat comes from within. I can barely manage walking, let along snow skiing in the desert.
Enjoy Your Stay